i grew up with flowers

I'm not a fan of Beyonce but if I were a boy I'd give my girl flowers. Weekly if I can. Monthly would have to be the longest interval she'd receive flowers from me. I don't care if there's no friggin occasion. I don't need an occasion to let someone know I love her.

Flowers are always beautiful. And I'm sure my girl would be beautiful. Therefore she deserves flowers.

They can be expensive, inexpensive or much better if they were picked especially for the girl. Doesn't matter if it's rose, tulip, stargazer, or daisies. Flowers are always nice to receive. It can make a day!

If I were a boy I'd give my girl silly notes, nice cards, and out-of-the-blue funny/sweet messages.

But I'm not a boy.

I'm just a girl who loves flowers and silly doodles.

But have not received them since a year ago.

xoxo

it turns blue

I realised that one cannot be 7 months pregnant and have two jobs at the same time.

Last night, I dozed off while putting Giann to sleep. I actually slept before him! I missed all of my classes. :( I feel terribly bad about it. But I was so tired, and I am a mother more than anything else so I need to attend to Giann first. Commuting to Makati/Manila is something I'm not used to do anymore. So each and every time is super duper tiring for me. I find myself falling asleep while in transit, that even if I get ample sleep the night before!

So today I'm going to ask the Korean manager if she can change my schedule or if I can take a leave for a month. I really don't want to leave teaching. I am very much enjoying it. It is something I've been wanting to do since I was a little girl. And it makes me all warm inside every time my students call me "Teacher" and when they heed my advice (even if they're like decades older than me!) You know I've always believed there's something very noble about teaching. But I've never felt what it's like until I started teaching. The feeling of accomplishment it gives me is not the same as when I finished an important event for a company. The latter is nothing compared to hearing the enthusiasm on my students' voice each and every time we have class. I love teaching, no doubt about that. It's in my blood. But it's wearing me out. And taking so much of my precious time with Giann. It shouldn't be the case if I'm not back working for The Firm. But I am so I need to make a few adjustments. Keeping two jobs isn't working well for me - not good for Giann-time and definitely not good for the little baby inside my tummy as well.

I've no more time for anything else anymore ever since this whole thing started! I don't even know when to squeeze in my check-ups/lab tests, Giann's vaccination and paying of bills. I don't even have enough time to deposit money to the bank!

ARGH.

xoxo

the Old, the New, the Beautiful and the Ugly

I’ve totally forgotten how sloooow the computers at The Firm are. Like they’re terribly, horribly, godawfully slow. I remember TRYING to do layouts using them. Man, the agony. And now, I’m back to using my old PC. It is still how I left it. Even the calendar I taped on top of the monitor has not been removed. So that was the first thing I did when I arrived. I changed calendars! I am now using Ivor’s masterpiece of a calendar. :-) It was just like a week ago when he was cramming to do its layout and now, everyone’s using them already! Good job, good job!

My desk is still the same. Not a single thing has been removed. Even my scratch papers are still here! My drawers are still intact as well. My notebooks, tapes, and even my pink stapler are all at their rightful places. It felt like home. Sans the comfort.

So what has changed? My desk is so dusty. Like it’s never been cleaned since I’ve left. Gill’s ‘kalat’ are all over the place. :P Haha. My drawers aren’t as organised as they were because Gill cluttered some of her ‘kalat’ in them. Yes, clutter and kalat in one sentence! Which means Gillian, you’re really that ‘kalat’! :P

Another thing that has not changed about this building is that it still smells of paint and thinner. And they smell annoyingly awful and strong. That even if I cover my nose with thick cloth, the smell still makes its way to my nostrils, making me nauseous. THAT BAD.

But other than that, my first day back at The Firm was breezy. I spent lunch with Gill, HV and Ivor – just like old times. Only, a lot has already changed.

It would be too much of a wishful thinking if I say I wish it would be like this every day for a month. I know for a fact that it won’t be. Markets ain’t Markets without the stress. But let’s take it one day at a time.

xoxo

"use disabled in a sentence"

Funny how I asked one of my students that like days ago. And now I have the perfect answer for it:

"I'm disabled."

I can barely walk. The left part of my lower torso is aching like hell every time I move. And I mean EACH and EVERY TIME.

And it has to happen when I'm supposed to work again every single day for a month. Work = commuting for like 3 hours a day every day, inhaling the toxic fumes of the doomed building, and being all nice to CRL, plus stressing about stupid articles/seminars/whatever.

I guess it's the Universe's way of telling me that I'm not really meant to work again. At least not yet. But there's a part of me that wants to do it. I feel like I owe it to the Markets Group (to a certain extent) to help them with the most important event ever when they don't have staff anymore. :P Seriously, they should just dissolve Markets for fudge's sake. Anyway, it's just going to be for 30 days. I don't think it would do that much harm. BUT if my BP starts to shoot up again, I have to say byebye Markets again. Screw the project and the contract! To make life is way MORE important than to make a living!

Ah I hope Giann never sees me when I leave every day for work. I don't want to see him cry.

Alrighty I need to rest now.

God I don't think I'll get used to this sleeping-early-because-I-have-work-early-morn-tomorrow routine.

It's just going to be for a month. It's going to be a breeze. It's going to be over before you know it.

P.S. It's funny how I'm back working for The Firm again and I still haven't received my last pay yet. Good job, good job! But I guess Gill's right when she said, "forgive them Yeng, they have one too many resignees claiming their last pays!"

xoxo

just came home from Bim's 18th

And I am godawfully tired.

Last I've been this tired was when I was still with The Firm.

I am so tired I don't think tired can still cover for it. *That* tired.

But I am online nonetheless. There are some *pressing* things that I need to take care of.

But man T-I-R-E-D.

zzz.zzz.zzz

xoxo

Super Pau!

I'm not going to lie. One thing I love about Pau is that he spoils me. :P

Today I casually told him that I *think* I want McDonald's. I didn't tell him I WANT MCDONALD'S. I said I was toying the idea that I might want to buy something from McDonald's. Came dinner and I had chicken nuggets, fries and hot fudge on my desk!

It might seem like a little thing but little things can mean a lot! And they matter!

Believe me, my tantrums and cravings are out of this world (you can ask Ingolok! :P). But Pau can handle them just right. Of course it annoys him (when I reach his boiling point which rarely happens!) but he's mastered The Art of Yeng's Tantrums/Cravings and hats off to him for that. :)

xoxo

OZ OZ OI OI

While on our way to the cinema to watch "The Spirit", Pau and I were looking at movie posters to check on the 'up and coming' movies. And then all of a sudden:

P: "Ah eto Be, kahit ilibre mo pa ko, hinding hindi ko papanoorin!"
Me: "Huh?"
P: "Ayan o, AUSTRALIA." *laughs*
Me: "Bakit naman? Alam mo bang there was some sort of controversy about that movie."
P: "Talaga? Ano?"
Me: "Not really sure basta meron. I read it somewhere."
P: "Okay, ayaw ko pa din!"
Me: "Sayang sa EDSA Shang pa man din sana kita itreat pag pinanood natin yan!"

He frowned at me of course. :P

Amazing how people can forgive but how hard it is to forget. I don't blame Pau. I don't blame him either. And I don't blame myself as well.

And I'm saying the same thing for feelings.

Love is ALWAYS a good thing. No matter how bad or sad it ended. Or never did.

xoxo

168 blues

I am once again lamenting over the fact that this house gets absobloodlylutely depressing without Pau and with Giann asleep.

I am done with "working." And I'm not yet sleepy. There's nothing good on TV. And Mac's playing Prinsesita. In short, I've nothing to do.

Well, even if there's WoW and a good show on, I'd still rather have Pau here.

The reason why I'm here is not here. It doesn't make sense. Pft.

xoxo

uhum.

---

Name: Millaine Taylan-Ambayec
Date: 1/8/2009
Colorgenics Number: 54321670

---

You are in a state of constant expectation and want interesting and exciting things to happen to you. But in fact, you are a 'Walter Mitty' at times - a dreamer - over-imaginative and often given to fantasy or day-dreaming. There is nothing wrong in 'dreaming' - how boring life would be if one just followed the doctrines of everyday life - but one must not continue leading a life of continuous fantasy. You need to face reality in spite of all its possible shortcomings.

You are a leader in every sense of the word. You know where you are going and you know what you need to do in order to get there. You exercise an inherent initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. You either hold, or wish to achieve, a position of authority by means of which full control can be exerted over events.

You are a rather inhibited sort of person. This could be the result of your upbringing or of your schooling, whatever. You are able to obtain satisfaction from various forms of physical or emotional activity but all in all you are inclined to be emotionally withdrawn. As a consequence of this you find it difficult to sustain any deep involvement.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

You are putting on a show - a facade. You are a master of demonstrating considerable charm in the hope that this can or will lead to better things. Deep down you are fearful that this may not work and that you may have to employ other strategies in order to realise all your ambitions.

TRY IT YOURSELF.

xoxo

i don't like chain letters but

but this one hits the spot.

TO MY CHILD

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry what you are going to be when you grow up or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms. The mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that little body

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day...

I didn't care if the story behind this poem is true - about the little girl dying ergo we should pass it on. I passed it on anyway. I passed it on because I want every parent to be grateful for their child/ren - to spend a little bit more time with them; to not use the excuse "I need to work for you" a little too often until it becomes routine; to learn to appreciate their child/ren - their tantrums, whinges, laughters, tears, strengths and weaknesses because these little quirks make our child/ren unique. I passed it on because as parents/grown-ups we tend to not notice the little things anymore - things like our child/ren's smile, their tears, how cute their little fingers are, how they talk, how they walk. We should treasure everything about our child/ren - even the little things. Because even little things matter, especially when they've grown-up and live their own lives and all we have are these memories. Or worse, if we lose them.

I passed it on, with Pau being the first on my list because I want him to understand why I ask a minute or two from him - to leave his computer to play with Giann and I. It annoys him sometimes but I want him to understand that every moment with Giann is essential. Every minute spent is something we can never have back, ever again. I want him to enjoy his little toddler and I want Giann to enjoy him back. We're lucky Giann is healthy. We're lucky we have him. Even luckier because we have another one on the way. Some people would give everything to have a child, or to keep their child.

We're lucky.

Thank you, God. :)

P.S. I am not a perfect mother. But I don't stop trying.

xoxo

of maids and pays

Our cook and "main" maid is back! Hurrah for scrumptious food! :D I just hope she's back for good. Her younger sister (and Giann's maid) said she's only back to get some clothes. And she didn't bring her 4-year old son with her so there's a very huge possibility that she's gonna leave again. Which means we're going to have to make do with the cooking of the other maid (their youngest sister), who doesn't know how to cook. I can cook better than her I swear. And I'm not even a maid! You should know how terrible I am with cooking. But I put her to shame. She's *THAT* bad. Man, she doesn't even know how to change bed sheets! One time she was TRYING to change our bed sheet, she was struggling and called the aid of her niece, who is like 9. Terribad!!!

But anyway, in the meantime, Ima sit back, relax and enjoy our cook's yum yum dishes. Woots!

---

So my last pay+13th month pay from The Firm is still "in process." It's amazing how it's been in process for more than a month!

I need it to buy myself a cheap but cute phone. My N70's a goner. May he/she (I haven't really decided on its gender) rest in peace.

xoxo

Veronika Decides to Die

My second favourite Paulo Coelho novel (Eleven Minutes being the first) is going to be a movie!

I'm super dee duper excited!! Although why does it have to be Sarah Michelle? VERONIKA HAS BROWN HAIR! :( And she's Slovenian. Sarah Michelle is your typical American blah.

Makes me a bit disappointed but of course I'm still gonna watch it. :P

VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE

P.S. I was ecstatic when I realised they used Come Undone in the trailer. Love that song!

xoxo

how are you, 2009?

Giann and I welcomed the new year with... POOP!

My little bub have had diarrhea since the 31st until just yesterday. Today, he's back to his old takaw self! :P

Anyway, I've photos for you dear blog. But not one of new year's eve because I almost made it to the list of injured-and-or-dead-because-of-friggin-firecrackers. No I'm not kidding. Thanks Paulo and stupid neighbours I curse this place even more. And it's the new year wow.

But anyhoo...

Giann: "I'm way cuter than my dad!"

I ♥♥♥ THEM! :)

Ang mga tamad. BOW.

---

Yesterday, the whole fam decided to travel to Bay, Laguna just to have lunch. Yes, we're crazy that way. :P Imagine my dad drove like 65 KM just to have lunch! But it was fun. :) Although after we passed UPLB Pau was like, "tulog ka lang Be, pag gising mo, dinner na!" It was a long drive but it was worth it. Whatever is nothing compared to spending time with my loves. ;)

This is where we had lunch. Well, not exactly *there* because that one's in Quezon. But it's the same resto.

Mum, Ate, Giann and the fatso (A MUST READ: the words on Giann's shirt! :P)

Ang mga matatakaw. BOW.

Kuya EJ and Daddy Dan :)

Kim and Ken (Kuya Jay-ar's nephews) with Kuya EJ

And that, my people, is how I've spent the first week of 2009. Can't wait for Daddy Dan's birthday! :D

xoxo