moving on

I told Pau I don't want to live in this house anymore. I've told him that for like bazillion times already. He stormed out of the room and whined to his mum about how annoying and loud our neighbours are. Especially when they're doing friggin karaoke.

He just doesn't understand. He probably doesn’t listen to me intently enough.

It's not just the neighbourhood I despise. It's this house. Everything about it.

I don't like that it feels like we're just doing "bahay-bahayan." I've never been a wife to Pau. He's never been a husband to me. Thanks to everyone who lives in this house.

I don't like that my being a mother to Giann is being looked over because everyone in this house wants to be his mother. READ: I AM HIS MOTHER. 'Nuff said. My mum would say I should share the gift of Giann, after all, he's not really "mine" anyways. The BIG GUY just "lent" him to me. But of course I want to share my biggest blessing (Giann) but there are terms, limits and if you cross that line then I'd be a protective mother hen! There *is* a reason why he was "lent" to ME, you know.

I don’t like how sheltered we are in this house. It doesn’t give me room for independence, for growth - to make me fill the role I'm supposed to. If I was still the same pampered, immature, spoilt Yeng then I’d love to live here. But I’ve left that girl eight months ago.

Sadly, Pau still hasn’t.

I’m moving out of this house soon. And wherever I go, my son goes with me.

And that’s that.

P.S. You wouldn't believe the reason why Pau wants to stay here.

happy/sad

Tomorrow I am beginning a new life yet again. I will be part of the corporate world after missing it for more than a year. My heart hasn't been fully convinced that it is the right thing to do. I only have one reason: Giann. I know that starting tomorrow, I will miss most parts of his infancy. I will leave the house while he's sleeping and go home when he's already asleep. That routine for 5 straight days of the week. That thought alone makes me cry. I will miss giving Giann a bath and his giggles when I pour lukewarm water on his body. I will miss sleeping with him on my chest at noon. I am not very much comfortable with the fact that I will leave him to the maid. That even if it's the same maid that raised his father. Because I want to be the one who's there for him, not someone who's paid to do so. And because, Pau and Giann, although they are father-son are two different people. Very different to some extent, actually. So yeah.

I've always believed I am not made for house work. Therefore I cannot be a house wife. I don't know how I can reconcile that with the fact that I just want to stay at home for Giann. Only until after his formative stage. Then of course I want to be productive as a person. :)

But I am given this opportunity now, and I don't want to pass on it anymore. I want to raise Giann alright. And I realised that raising him also means providing for his needs, financially speaking. Of course there's Pau's mum and my ever loving and supportive parents but Giann is MY son, not theirs. Over and above anyone, he is MY responsibility. And as I've said before, one thing having Giann taught me is how to be responsible and mature.

I know Giann will be fine. I'm sure he'd be a good boy even without me to look after him most of the time. One thing that gives me hope is Mama and how she's always been a working mum but has never been less of a mother for us. If she's done (and still doing it) for more than 25 years, I know I can too. After all, she raised me. I'd like to believe I've been endowed with her strength if only a little. :P Also, I choose to believe that dad is right when he said, "mas maalagaan mo si Giann kapag may work ka na." It doesn't make perfect sense. But it does make sense. :)

I am still worried that's the truth. And I am fighting back tears as I write this. But I am mother and I am strong. :) Giann will be fine. And I know I will be too. :)

P.S. I cannot deny that I am kind of excited to work again though.

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Happy happy birthday to my most favourite and loved cousin, Kuya Kim! :)

I love you!

xoxo

writer

How do you even begin to write when you know it holds half your child's future?

Man. I wish my words are as beautiful as the sunset. :( But they're plain and boring and girly. Fit for a blog, alright. But I have to write - to REALLY write. I wish I'm articulate and fluent enough.

"This-is-self-esteem-going-down-the-drain" Heh.

But yeah, I wish I'm a better writer, for the first time ever.

Oh God help me!

xoxo

surprise surprise!

I browsed through Ate's blog and found this:

Live traffic feed

San Pedro, Laguna arrived from superlilmum.blogspot.com on "Mitsikoy"

Quezon, Nueva Ecija left via jong.i.ph

Quezon, Nueva Ecija left via tabulas.com

Quezon, Nueva Ecija left via .blogspot.com

Quezon, Nueva Ecija left via powderpuffmae.blogspot.com

Quezon, Nueva Ecija arrived from superlilmum.blogspot.com on "Mitsikoy"

Petaling Jaya, Wilayah Persekutuan arrived from blogger.com on "Mitsikoy"

Quezon, Nueva Ecija arrived on "Mitsikoy"

Petaling Jaya, Wilayah Persekutuan arrived on "Mitsikoy"

Makati, Rizal arrived from boker.i.ph on "Mitsikoy"

∙ Ignore my browser ∙ Live Traffic Map ∙ Popular Pages Today

Wow! QUEZON, NUEVA ECIJA! That's our province! Shall I say all the things I don't like about it now that I know a relative might be reading this blog? :P Bleah. Well, okay.. I love and hate it. Now that I think about it, I have that kind of relationship in almost everything in my life. Whatever happened to pure love? :(

Anyway, one reason I am surprised to see Quezon Nueva Ecija on ate's traffic feed is that I sincerely thought that internet connection doesn't exist in that place. I'll take you there and you'll know why! Our ancestral house in Nueva Ecija is so rural. So rural it's like being transported to errm.. another dimension. It's like one minute you're driving in a highway, you take one turn and all of a sudden, you're in a... forest! Seriously.

But Wow. Internet connection! Booyah for you people! :D

Hi relative! (if you are a relative heh) Say hi to lolo and lola for me! ;)

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I think I'm done with breastfeeding. :( I've been breastfeeding Giann for more than 4 months now and it frustrates me to realize that it's not gonna last longer than I wanted. I want to give Giann the best in everything, and my milk is one of them. :) But I cannot produce milk forever, can I? I would if I can, really. But yeah. Oh well.

Okay will retire back to bed. My neurons are not working properly at this time of the day.

xoxo