happy/sad

Tomorrow I am beginning a new life yet again. I will be part of the corporate world after missing it for more than a year. My heart hasn't been fully convinced that it is the right thing to do. I only have one reason: Giann. I know that starting tomorrow, I will miss most parts of his infancy. I will leave the house while he's sleeping and go home when he's already asleep. That routine for 5 straight days of the week. That thought alone makes me cry. I will miss giving Giann a bath and his giggles when I pour lukewarm water on his body. I will miss sleeping with him on my chest at noon. I am not very much comfortable with the fact that I will leave him to the maid. That even if it's the same maid that raised his father. Because I want to be the one who's there for him, not someone who's paid to do so. And because, Pau and Giann, although they are father-son are two different people. Very different to some extent, actually. So yeah.

I've always believed I am not made for house work. Therefore I cannot be a house wife. I don't know how I can reconcile that with the fact that I just want to stay at home for Giann. Only until after his formative stage. Then of course I want to be productive as a person. :)

But I am given this opportunity now, and I don't want to pass on it anymore. I want to raise Giann alright. And I realised that raising him also means providing for his needs, financially speaking. Of course there's Pau's mum and my ever loving and supportive parents but Giann is MY son, not theirs. Over and above anyone, he is MY responsibility. And as I've said before, one thing having Giann taught me is how to be responsible and mature.

I know Giann will be fine. I'm sure he'd be a good boy even without me to look after him most of the time. One thing that gives me hope is Mama and how she's always been a working mum but has never been less of a mother for us. If she's done (and still doing it) for more than 25 years, I know I can too. After all, she raised me. I'd like to believe I've been endowed with her strength if only a little. :P Also, I choose to believe that dad is right when he said, "mas maalagaan mo si Giann kapag may work ka na." It doesn't make perfect sense. But it does make sense. :)

I am still worried that's the truth. And I am fighting back tears as I write this. But I am mother and I am strong. :) Giann will be fine. And I know I will be too. :)

P.S. I cannot deny that I am kind of excited to work again though.

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Happy happy birthday to my most favourite and loved cousin, Kuya Kim! :)

I love you!

xoxo