the donkey and the carrot

Days ago, one of our Indian interns told us an analogy about the donkey and the carrot in relation to making a relationship work. The donkey being your partner; you being the "driver" of the donkey and a carrot as a means to "control" your donkey. He said if your donkey doesn't want to obey you, you must make him by using a carrot.

Today, I amended his story:

"You know what I think? If your donkey's too stubborn to follow you, just get off the donkey and find a new one to ride!"

He laughed and said, "All donkeys get smart, you know."

It was my turn to laugh. Well, I wasn't being serious to begin with.

Seriously, I don't believe there are formulas to relationships. What works for one may not work for all. Each relationship is different as each person involved in them is, too. No analogy can guarantee that a relationship will be successful. No theory can ensure a relationship will work. Only the people involved in it can.

P.S. Hana suggested, "how about hitting the donkey with the carrot? HARD ON THE HEAD!"

---

Today I also learnt that some things aren't what they seem. And most of the time, just when you're uber sure you guessed right, you thought wrong. :)

xoxo

a soulful relationship

I found this somewhere (yes, I forgot exactly where and when). It's a good read. :)

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship! Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

What keeps a relationship strong?

Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note).

Leave a nice message on the voicemail or send a nice email.

Sharing common goals and interests. Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless.

Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion.

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the i.

--

I like the first and the last parts most. ;)

P.S. I'm happy! ♥

xoxo

of relationships

One of Yahoos!'s feature articles of the day is entitled "Are "Should" and "Ought" Blocking Your Path to Love?" So of course I quickly clicked on the link and read through it. :P Not that I have lots of shoulds and oughts; just that anything about love interests me . And I have to admit that in the past, I've had lots of relationship mistakes brought by "shoulding" and "oughting." Yeah, I was young once thankyouverymuch.

Here are some of the things the author talked about:

1. "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love." Odd as it may sound, some people never feel the intoxicating sensations we think of as "being in love." The ability to fall in love is on a continuum: Some people fall in and out of love very easily, some people never do.

I don't know about some people but I wouldn't want to be thinking about the one I love 24/7. Or at least not consciously. I mean, when you really love someone, why do you even have to make an effort to put them in your mind? When you really love someone, you can go out and do other things - study, work, play, have fun with friends while still "thinking" about the one you love. Because see, how can you love someone who distracts you from doing other important things? The point is, when you really love someone, they just won't leave you alone. Haha. They're always on your mind, not to distract you but to inspire you - to always remind you that you should always do your best in everything you do. And, if you're really in-love with someone, you'd never have to force yourself to feel as the author calls them, intoxicating sensations for that someone.

2. "I should know if he (or she) is the right one for me." Of course there are better or worse choices, but assuming that your date meets your criteria of "good person" and the two of you enjoy each other, seem compatible, and don't irritate the heck out of each other, what more do you need?

Plain and simple: how do you even know if he's the right one? Until now, I don't know how to answer this (or if I even should). Someone once told me that in this world you'd meet lots of Mr. Rights. Yes, Mr. Right is not just one. You can have 5 Mr. Rights, 7 or even 10. It is up to you to determine which Mr. Right you'd rather be with - which Mr. Right is worth it all.

3. "We should share the same ... (fill in the blank)." One of the wonderful parts about finding a life partner is all the things that he or she knows and you don't, or is and you are not. Think of what you can learn from the differences. Or what you won't have to learn because your partner already knows. Yes, some similarity is good, but why would you want someone just like you?

I just couldn't agree more with this last one. I read it and was like A-M-E-N. Haha. Seriously, although it would be nice to share the same passion, I believe having differences makes the relationship, well, less boring. How boring your life would be if you're with someone whom you can never learn anything from. Imagine if there's nothing in life your partner can share to you because "duh, I know what you know. I want what you want." I am not saying it's bad to share the same passion with your partner. Of course it would be best to be enjoying the same thing every now and then. Just that, differences can make the flame of your relationship last longer. You just have to know how to work them out. ;)

I've said it one too many times, I am not a relationship guru. I am not a romance coach and I definitely am not a love expert. But I've had my share of failed relationships and lessons learned when it comes to matters of the heart so I am very opinionated about it. Well, I guess I am about a lot of things. :P

You can read the rest of Kathryn Lord's article here.

xoxo